Choose To Smile

It’s time for a new blog. Today will be my last Defining Wellness blog post. Thank you so much for reading, for sharing comments, for asking questions, and for letting me know when something I wrote helped you. I never imagined that I’d meet so many loving, wonderful, soul-searching people through this blog, and the experience has truly changed and enriched my life.

I’ve decided to start a new blog because I’ve realized I’m not on a quest to “define wellness” anymore. Sometimes the puzzle pieces of my life fit together well and I feel in balance. Other times, some of the puzzle pieces get all mixed up, and I feel a little off-kilter. And there are even times when the whole puzzle gets destroyed and I have to put it all together again. I know what it feels like when my life feels in balance, and I know when I’ve got some work to do. But I’m no longer on a quest to define what it means to be well.

[Image Source: http://www.upei.ca/research/blogs/2009/11/23/silver-bullets-and-jigsaw-puzzles]

I’ve loved sharing my ideas and my realizations with you. One of the most incredible joys of blogging has been hearing from you and hearing that something I said helped you. That’s just downright awesome. I never thought I could recover from an eating disorder, let alone help others.

I’m choosing to write a new blog because, if I don’t, I will keep writing about my recovery journey, including stories about my slips and how I overcome them. Though my blog is about a lot more than how I recovered from an eating disorder, I always tend to drift to that topic . . . which is to be expected since I had an eating disorder for more than half of my life. But what I’ve realized is that as much as I want to help others and as therapeutic as writing about recovery can be, as long as I continue to write this blog, my definition of myself will always contain the words “eating disorder.” Writing about my disorder, even when what I write is uplifting, is painful at times. To write about it on an ongoing basis makes it a part of me every day, even when I’m not writing about it.

I’ve learned that, even when I slip, I WILL pick myself up. But to reflect and rehash every detail of my disorder sometimes isn’t in my best interest . . . at least not on an ongoing basis. I prefer to make my mistakes and move on from them.

More importantly, I prefer to focus on everything that gives my life purpose, to embrace and be grateful for those things. The importance of focusing on these joys has become abundantly clear to me these past few weeks as I’ve been spending time with Lacey. I wish I could be with her every second. I want her to know how much she’s loved, how much love she’s given me.

The first few days after I learned Lacey’s diagnosis, I cried every day, harder than I’ve ever cried before. I walked around aimlessly, bumped into things, and cried as I held her. I wished for more time. When God granted me that wish, I realized the importance of cherishing whatever extra time we’ve been given together. I’m grateful for every moment Lacey and I have together. I know that’s what Lacey wants. She doesn’t want to see my tears; she wants to see my smile.

So, I choose to smile. And in honor of Lacey, “Choose To Smile” is the name of my new blog.

I’m no longer on a quest to define wellness . . .  or myself. Life’s too short for that, and besides, it’s so much more interesting to allow myself to grow outside any defined boundaries I’ve created for myself in the past.

Instead, I’m on a new quest that’s truer to my heart: to be grateful every day for the joys and blessings in my life, to choose to smile whenever I can. No, every day isn’t a perfect fairytale, but I’ve found that the best way I can live is to focus on life’s gifts — like my little Lacey — and smile about every second I have to cherish those gifts.

Before I say farewell to this blog, though, I would like to reach out one last time to all of you who have an eating disorder or who are in any stage of recovery. First of all, please feel free to refer back to this blog at any time. I’m not planning on deleting or deactivating it. Second, please contact me if I can ever offer comforting words or help point you in a direction — I know what it feels like to be alone with an eating disorder, and you are not alone. You’re never alone. Finally, here are what I believe to be some of the best tips I have for recovering from an eating disorder:

1. Complete recovery is possible. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not. This doesn’t mean every symptom will disappear on the first try. It doesn’t mean you won’t slip. It doesn’t mean that you won’t have to be aware of triggering people and situations. But it does mean that one day food will not control your life anymore. You will be able to go out and enjoy food with your family and friends. You will be able to take food off its pedestal. You won’t have to count every calorie, food won’t be the enemy and your self-worth won’t be dictated by your appearance, diet, or exercise routine.

2. A slip is not a relapse. I can’t emphasize this enough. After I was recovered, I successfully went 9 months without any symptoms . . . but then some overwhelming stress crept into my life and I used old eating disorder symptoms (bingeing) to cope. This symptom is infrequent and extremely mild compared to what I used to go through. But I believe it provides an opportunity for further growth, so I plan to go to dialectical behavior therapy to learn how to more effectively cope with my stress and overcome this lingering symptom. I have no doubt that I will be completely symptom-free once again. It is quite possible I will slip again. But each time I slip and pick myself up, I learn something. Each time I try again, the slips become more infrequent. And one day, I firmly believe all my symptoms and slips will be a distant memory.

3. I recommend going to a Registered Dietitian AND a therapist. Personally, I think it’s important to seek out professionals who believe in “all things in moderation.” I truly believe that, for the eating disordered mind, it is important to learn and practice that no food is off limits. I have met R.D.s and therapists who have “special” foods and diets or who believe that some foods are addictive and should be forbidden . . . and all of these professionals still seemed to have unresolved food issues of their own. Unfortunately, some people enter the profession who aren’t completely healed themselves (though their hearts are in the right place). When you are seeking therapy, please pay attention to any “red flags” and gut feelings. Of course, only you know you, but in my experience, forbidden foods and special diets have ALWAYS led me back to an eating disorder.

4. In doing my research, I’ve read that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) are very effective treatment modalities for eating disorders. These treatments involve changing the thought patterns and behaviors that maintain the eating disorder. I plan to start DBT within the next few weeks to overcome my lingering e.d. symptom. I like that CBT and DBT focus on the present instead of the past. I am well-versed in all of the predisposing factors that led to my eating disorder, but delving into my past doesn’t do anything to help me now. Though I think it’s important to deal with the past and work through any past traumas, I don’t think any therapy is complete without focusing on strategies for changing CURRENT maladaptive thoughts and behaviors.

5. Finally, I think it’s very important to focus on things other than your eating disorder. Take it from someone who wrote a blog about it. I’ve found that by developing new hobbies and interests, keeping busy with new adventures, and concentrating on simple little pleasures like craft-making or cooking, it’s much easier to leave the disorder behind. When I’m busy trying out new hobbies, traveling, taking care of my pets, creating something, or just focusing on happy daydreams, the eating disorder thoughts take a backseat to all the happier thoughts in my head.

So, I thank you again for an amazing experience here at Defining Wellness, and I hope to see you all at my new blog, where I choose to smile.

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