Eating Disorder Recovery

MY RECOVERY JOURNEY

I’ve been interested in fitness and nutrition since I was a little girl, but I became fascinated with the idea of overall wellness when I was in college. I earned my B.A. in Psychology from the University of North Carolina Wilmington, and I was a peer health educator on my campus for three years. I learned and taught my peers about the seven dimensions of wellness: physical, emotional, intellectual, vocational, social, spiritual and environmental. I began to understand that true wellness means developing and finding balance among all seven of those dimensions. You can have the healthiest diet and exercise regime in the world, but without balance among the other dimensions, your life will likely feel out of balance, too.

Photo by JMB Photoworks

Unfortunately, my own personal wellness had been compromised for many years. I developed an eating disorder when I was 12 years old, called an EDNOS, or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

During my young adult and adult years, my weight fluctuated by about 40 lbs. I counted calories to the point of such obsession that I was terrified to go out and eat at restaurants, and I wouldn’t even use spices when I cooked if I couldn’t measure them out and figure out exactly how many calories (1? 2? 3?) were in them. I would restrict my food intake for several months, and then feel so deprived, exhausted, and hungry, that I would binge on anything . . . entire boxes of Fiber 1 cereal, loaves of bread, ice cream, granola, anything. No matter how much I ate, I never felt full. Sometimes I retained so much water from my binges that my weight would fluctuate 10 pounds within a single week. I would feel bloated and so terribly embarrassed that sometimes I even had to call out sick from school or work.

I purged only once in my life, never exercised compulsively, and never met all of the criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. This is what put me into the category of EDNOS. I experienced symptoms of both anorexia and bulimia, and barely a moment went by when food, calories and my weight weren’t on my mind.

I never thought recovery was possible because, after years of dieting and bingeing, I no longer felt sensations of hunger or fullness. Counting calories was the only way I knew how to manage my weight, and I didn’t think it was possible to give up the one strategy that gave me a false sense of control over my life and health.

Carter and I were married on May 24, 2008. What started as a goal to lose 10 pounds for our wedding turned into 25. Though my wedding day was the happiest day of my life, that happiness had nothing to do with my weight. Life after the fairytale wedding wasn’t so happy. When my life was no longer all about wedding planning, I had to face my eating disorder head on. The eating disorder had control over me. I knew that I wanted to change, but I had no idea how to make the changes.

Photo by Heather Fowler Photography

In high school and college, I went to nutritionists and therapists, and while they helped me tremendously, I was not ready to completely let go of the disorder at those times in my life.

Less than a year after our wedding, I finally reached a point so low that I knew I wanted to change. I was sick and tired of the drastic changes in my weight and the accompanying swings of my mood. I wanted to be able to travel with my husband without having to eat in Subway and other chain restaurants (where nutritional info is available) and without having to stock up on calorie-controlled foods for our hotel room. I wanted to be able to go out with my friends and family without worrying about what excuse I’d come up with so I didn’t have to eat with them. I didn’t want to count calories anymore, and I didn’t want to eat the same foods over and over again. And most importantly, I wanted to finally put my top priorities where they belonged . . . at the top of my priority list. I wanted to be fully present when I was with my family and friends, and I wanted to be able to start a family of my own. I knew I could never be a healthy role model for my children someday if I didn’t get this under control.

In April 2009, I began seeing a Registered Dietitian and Eating Disorders Specialist who helped me to completely change my life. But this time it was different. I was ready to change.

For the first few months of my recovery, I reminded myself every day of why I decided to change: My husband. My family. Myself. Freedom. There were challenging moments when I wanted to return to my eating disordered behaviors, but every time I felt that way, Carter took the time to encourage me to remember all the reasons why I wanted to get better. I believe that the unconditional support of loved ones is pivotal in recovery.

I worked with my eating disorder specialist for months and made gradual changes that led to my recovery. I’ve now been in recovery for over a year! I eat based on my hunger, fullness, and yes, pleasure! I never thought I’d be able to say, “I’m in recovery,” but here I am, the success story I didn’t think was possible. I simply had to want it more than I wanted to be a certain number, or a certain size, or any other meaningless measure of worth.

Photo by Laura Keen Photography

When making a difficult behavior change, it helps to find that one reason to change that matters the most to you, keep it in your head, in your heart, written down. Keep it with you everywhere. Remind yourself of what truly matters to you on a daily basis. And all the reasons to maintain the unhealthy behavior will fade into the background.

RECOVERY POSTS

I wrote the following posts to address topics related to self-image, body image, eating disorders and dieting. If you want to overcome yo-yo dieting or disordered eating, learn to eat moderately, develop a more positive body image, or improve your self-image, check out these posts.

Choose To Smile (10/5/2010)

From Transition to Transformation (9/28/2010)

Why Losing Is Not Winning (8/15/2010)

Me Versus Myself (8/12/2010)

Reboot (8/9/2010)

Melting Away (7/6/2010)

Identity In The Un-Comfort Zone (4/27/2010)

Losing The Label (4/18/2010)

You Succeed If You Try (3/31/2010)

From Relapse To Resiliency (2/13/2010)

Weight Loss Resolutions? (12/31/2009)

All Things In Moderation, The Holiday Way (11/25/2009)

See Your Best Self (11/18/2009)

Eating Disorder Recovery: Is It Even Possible? (11/1/2009)

No Such Thing As Off Limits (10/30/2009)

Responsible Blogging (10/10/2009)

Ice Cream, Ball Games and the Psychology of Cravings (10/5/2009)

Beautiful Blogging (9/29/2009)

Blogs: Helpful or Harmful? (9/22/2009)

Make Moderation Your Motto (9/13/2009)

Productive Anxiety (8/30/2009)

Photography Does A Body Good (8/25/2009)

Why So Hungry? (8/1/2009)

The Only Diet and Exercise Rules You Need (7/26/2009)

Scale Back on Black-and-White Thinking (7/1/2009)

How To Stop Counting Calories (6/24/2009)

Eating and Exercise Guilt (6/15/2009)

Self-Image Through A New Lens (6/5/2009)

HELPFUL WEB SITES

★ Gurze Books: This web site provides information and resources (including books, articles and newsletters) about eating disorders.

★ ANAD: The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Eating Disorders (ANAD) is the oldest eating disorder organization in the nation. ANAD offers a hotline, treatment referral list, educational information, support groups, a national newsletter and more.

★ Ellyn Satter Associates: Ellyn Satter is a registered dietitian, licensed clinical social worker, author, lecturer and internationally recognized authority on eating and feeding. Her definition of normal eating is the best definition of healthy eating I’ve ever encountered, and it was instrumental in helping me to recover from my eating disorder.

★ NEDA: The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) is dedicated to providing education, resources and support to individuals living with eating disorders, family members and friends of individuals with eating disorders, and treatment professionals.

★ Jenni Schaefer: Jenni Schaefer is an internationally known author and speaker who shares her recovery experiences, embraces life without “Ed,” and inspires others on their own journeys to freedom from eating disorders.