Hope to see you at the new blog!

So, Carter and I sat down and talked about how we want our life together to be. We painted a picture in our minds of what a satisfying life would look like for both of us. And with that picture in our minds, we can work towards creating that life instead of sitting back and hoping it will come true for us.

Here’s what we came up with:

1. Our relationship comes first. We will enjoy our marriage. As someone very wise suggested to me, we will begin each day by asking ourselves, “How can I make my spouse’s life better today?”

2. We will create healthier interpersonal boundaries. I spend a disproportionate amount of my time worrying about everyone else: Are they going to be ok? How can I help them? How can I take care of everyone else? But there’s nothing that I can do to make others’ problems go away — they can only do that for themselves. When I try to help everyone else, I stop taking care of myself, and my own problems get worse. Carter and I will be there for family and friends, love them unconditionally, and help guide them in their decisions, and we will accept that we don’t have the means or the mental capacity to mend their lives.

3. We will work towards creating a healthier work-life balance.

4. Rather than trying to take on all the projects I want to pursue, I will devote my energy to the few projects that are most important to me:

• I will become a better preschool teacher by reading up on classroom management, planning creative activities, and learning as much as I can about my career choice.
• I love to write, but I spend so much time writing blog posts that I’ve neglected my dream of writing a book. So, I’ve changed my plans to start a new blog and instead will be working on the book I’ve always wanted to write.

5. We will create a life worth being present in. For us, that means spending time with our pets, being active in the outdoors, exploring the world around us, traveling, exploring spirituality, and enjoying good food in a balanced way.

[Hiking in Waimea Canyon, Kauai]

Currently, I’m going to a cognitive behavioral therapist and completing “The Dialectical Behavior Skills Workbook for Bulimia.” I am doing both of these things in order to overcome my remaining eating disorder symptoms and to act for my purpose: to create a life worth being present in. When I use eating disorder symptoms, I am “checking out” of my life and saying that my life is not worth living. It’s sad to be blessed with the gift of life only to check out of it.

That’s why, starting now, I choose to be present in the current moment. When I am tempted to check out, I will ask myself, “How can I create a life worth being present in?” I will ask myself if I’m living the life that Carter and I have decided we want to live.

Goodbye to the wonderful blogging community. It’s been a wonderful adventure — now it’s time for a new one.

I’ve decided to start a new blog because I’ve realized I’m not on a quest to “define wellness” anymore. Sometimes the puzzle pieces of my life fit together well and I feel in balance. Other times, some of the puzzle pieces get all mixed up, and I feel a little off-kilter. And there are even times when the whole puzzle gets destroyed and I have to put it all together again. I know what it feels like when my life feels in balance, and I know when I’ve got some work to do. But I’m no longer on a quest to define what it means to be well.

[Image Source: http://www.upei.ca/research/blogs/2009/11/23/silver-bullets-and-jigsaw-puzzles]

I’ve loved sharing my ideas and my realizations with you. One of the most incredible joys of blogging has been hearing from you and hearing that something I said helped you. That’s just downright awesome. I never thought I could recover from an eating disorder, let alone help others.

I’m choosing to write a new blog because, if I don’t, I will keep writing about my recovery journey, including stories about my slips and how I overcome them. Though my blog is about a lot more than how I recovered from an eating disorder, I always tend to drift to that topic . . . which is to be expected since I had an eating disorder for more than half of my life. But what I’ve realized is that as much as I want to help others and as therapeutic as writing about recovery can be, as long as I continue to write this blog, my definition of myself will always contain the words “eating disorder.” Writing about my disorder, even when what I write is uplifting, is painful at times. To write about it on an ongoing basis makes it a part of me every day, even when I’m not writing about it.

I’ve learned that, even when I slip, I WILL pick myself up. But to reflect and rehash every detail of my disorder sometimes isn’t in my best interest . . . at least not on an ongoing basis. I prefer to make my mistakes and move on from them.

More importantly, I prefer to focus on everything that gives my life purpose, to embrace and be grateful for those things. The importance of focusing on these joys has become abundantly clear to me these past few weeks as I’ve been spending time with Lacey. I wish I could be with her every second. I want her to know how much she’s loved, how much love she’s given me.

The first few days after I learned Lacey’s diagnosis, I cried every day, harder than I’ve ever cried before. I walked around aimlessly, bumped into things, and cried as I held her. I wished for more time. When God granted me that wish, I realized the importance of cherishing whatever extra time we’ve been given together. I’m grateful for every moment Lacey and I have together. I know that’s what Lacey wants. She doesn’t want to see my tears; she wants to see my smile.

So, I choose to smile. And in honor of Lacey, “Choose To Smile” is the name of my new blog.

I’m no longer on a quest to define wellness . . .  or myself. Life’s too short for that, and besides, it’s so much more interesting to allow myself to grow outside any defined boundaries I’ve created for myself in the past.

Instead, I’m on a new quest that’s truer to my heart: to be grateful every day for the joys and blessings in my life, to choose to smile whenever I can. No, every day isn’t a perfect fairytale, but I’ve found that the best way I can live is to focus on life’s gifts — like my little Lacey — and smile about every second I have to cherish those gifts.

Before I say farewell to this blog, though, I would like to reach out one last time to all of you who have an eating disorder or who are in any stage of recovery. First of all, please feel free to refer back to this blog at any time. I’m not planning on deleting or deactivating it. Second, please contact me if I can ever offer comforting words or help point you in a direction — I know what it feels like to be alone with an eating disorder, and you are not alone. You’re never alone. Finally, here are what I believe to be some of the best tips I have for recovering from an eating disorder:

1. Complete recovery is possible. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not. This doesn’t mean every symptom will disappear on the first try. It doesn’t mean you won’t slip. It doesn’t mean that you won’t have to be aware of triggering people and situations. But it does mean that one day food will not control your life anymore. You will be able to go out and enjoy food with your family and friends. You will be able to take food off its pedestal. You won’t have to count every calorie, food won’t be the enemy and your self-worth won’t be dictated by your appearance, diet, or exercise routine.

2. A slip is not a relapse. I can’t emphasize this enough. After I was recovered, I successfully went 9 months without any symptoms . . . but then some overwhelming stress crept into my life and I used old eating disorder symptoms (bingeing) to cope. This symptom is infrequent and extremely mild compared to what I used to go through. But I believe it provides an opportunity for further growth, so I plan to go to dialectical behavior therapy to learn how to more effectively cope with my stress and overcome this lingering symptom. I have no doubt that I will be completely symptom-free once again. It is quite possible I will slip again. But each time I slip and pick myself up, I learn something. Each time I try again, the slips become more infrequent. And one day, I firmly believe all my symptoms and slips will be a distant memory.

3. I recommend going to a Registered Dietitian AND a therapist. Personally, I think it’s important to seek out professionals who believe in “all things in moderation.” I truly believe that, for the eating disordered mind, it is important to learn and practice that no food is off limits. I have met R.D.s and therapists who have “special” foods and diets or who believe that some foods are addictive and should be forbidden . . . and all of these professionals still seemed to have unresolved food issues of their own. Unfortunately, some people enter the profession who aren’t completely healed themselves (though their hearts are in the right place). When you are seeking therapy, please pay attention to any “red flags” and gut feelings. Of course, only you know you, but in my experience, forbidden foods and special diets have ALWAYS led me back to an eating disorder.

4. In doing my research, I’ve read that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) are very effective treatment modalities for eating disorders. These treatments involve changing the thought patterns and behaviors that maintain the eating disorder. I plan to start DBT within the next few weeks to overcome my lingering e.d. symptom. I like that CBT and DBT focus on the present instead of the past. I am well-versed in all of the predisposing factors that led to my eating disorder, but delving into my past doesn’t do anything to help me now. Though I think it’s important to deal with the past and work through any past traumas, I don’t think any therapy is complete without focusing on strategies for changing CURRENT maladaptive thoughts and behaviors.

5. Finally, I think it’s very important to focus on things other than your eating disorder. Take it from someone who wrote a blog about it. I’ve found that by developing new hobbies and interests, keeping busy with new adventures, and concentrating on simple little pleasures like craft-making or cooking, it’s much easier to leave the disorder behind. When I’m busy trying out new hobbies, traveling, taking care of my pets, creating something, or just focusing on happy daydreams, the eating disorder thoughts take a backseat to all the happier thoughts in my head.

So, I thank you again for an amazing experience here at Defining Wellness, and I hope to see you all at my new blog, where I choose to smile.

The month of September has been full of changes and uncertainty. But, sure enough, I made it through . . . and I even found a few tokens of wisdom along the way.

We returned home from our vacation to Kauai on Friday, September 3, but I really had no time to reflect or reminisce about our vacation.

The day before we returned home, our 15 1/2-year-old family dog, Lacey, was diagnosed with terminal kidney failure. One veterinarian told us to get her teeth cleaned (which we later found out would have killed her). Two other vets told us that she probably only had days to live and that the kindest option was to put her to sleep.

Lacey, before treatment & grooming

Well, that was a tough pill to swallow. Lacey is a little fighter, and she just didn’t seem ready to say goodbye yet. So I called a former UNCW college professor, who also happens to be one of the finest veterinarians I know, to get his opinions. With his caring guidance, I learned that Lacey’s condition couldn’t be reversed, but that with some TLC, she could go on living happily and comfortably.

My brother and I took Lacey to my own dog’s vet, who is an incredible diagnostician and human being, and he agreed with my college professor. He spent 45 minutes with us going over the various medications and fluids that would perk our girl up.

It’s almost a month later, and Lacey’s eating, putting on weight, barking, wagging her tail, licking us, and enjoying the company of her doggy brothers and sisters. We were told not to expect more than a few weeks with her, so every day she is alive and well is the best blessing I could ask for.

Last week, the owner of the dog grooming shop where I used to work was kind enough to groom Lacey for me after hours, so now she looks clean and fluffy and feels much better, too.

Lacey, after treatment & grooming

I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the care and compassion of the individuals who have gone out of their way to look out for Lacey’s best interest, and by the love and prayers of my family, friends, blog readers and even complete strangers. It completely warms my heart.

In the midst of all the phone calls and driving back and forth to my mom’s house, vets’ offices and grooming appointments, I realized that, despite the heartache I was feeling, I felt full of love and purpose.

When we were told that Lacey had kidney failure, I could have listened to the first vet. Or the second vet. Or the third vet. But something in my heart told me to keep searching. I was ready to sell my wedding dress and my car, and Carter and I were ready to dip into our savings if it meant a better quality of life for Lacey. I would have driven across the country, spent any amount of money, given up all of my time for my sweet little friend who has always given her love unconditionally to me.

Over the past few weeks, my purpose in life has been to find the answers that were in Lacey’s best interest. I didn’t have to think about it. I didn’t stop trying until I explored every option. No amount of money or time would have stood in my way. And while I know my days with Lacey are numbered, I am so thankful to her for filling my heart with so much love and hope . . . for filling my life with so much meaning.

During the weeks that Carter and I were adventuring in Hawaii, and during the weeks that my time was completely filled with Lacey, I had no eating disorder slips. It wasn’t until AFTER things calmed down that I slipped again. Isn’t that interesting?

When I have the time to allow anxiety and stress to creep in, when I’m not focusing on my values and strengths, that’s when I use symptoms. I’ve decided that I’ve come too far and worked too hard not to address my setbacks. I still view myself as recovered, but with a lingering symptom or two that need some attention. Currently, I’m researching some therapists who can help me to overcome my remaining symptoms and triumph for good, once and for all. I’m most interested in cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy, because I’ve read that these modalities are the most effective at treating eating disorders. I’ll keep you posted on my progress and any secrets I learn along the way.

Finally, I started my new job as a preschool teacher this month! When I first started teaching nursery school, it was as a substitute teacher. I didn’t think I’d like the job because I’ve always seen myself working with pets, working in psychology/eating disorders treatment, doing something related to health/fitness, or pursuing something creative like writing. I was completely and totally shocked when I loved teaching nursery school children, and I was thrilled to receive a job offer.

I’ve now been teaching for two weeks, and I absolutely love it. First and foremost, the children are simply awesome. They’re caring, creative, silly, innocent and eager to learn. I wake up every day excited to see their cherubic little faces. I am eager to teach them as much as I can about being kind and caring, about being good friends, and of course all the “scholastic” stuff like language, math and science. I have the opportunity to flex my creative muscles by planning arts and crafts activities, teaching them songs and rhymes, and thinking up new ideas for keeping them engaged.

[Image Source: http://centralbaptistbuna.org]

Of course, like any job, this one is not without its challenges, but rather than draining me, these challenges energize me. I ENJOY thinking about work when I’m not at work. And THAT’S a first. It’s funny how the one job that I never thought I’d enjoy turned out to be the job I loved the most. And what’s even funnier is that my mom predicted it. Fine, I admit it . . . I guess sometimes mothers really do know best.

So, as you can see, it’s been a month of changes and adjustments. Though transitions aren’t always easy, I keep reminding myself that if I summon the strength to face my challenges and forgive my mistakes, I just might experience transformation and growth beyond what I ever expected for myself.

I’ll be back with more posts soon. Thanks for sticking with me.

According to the first 3 veterinarians we went to . . . a week ago . . . it was a miracle she was still alive then. And here we are, a week later, and she seems so much better than she did before. I don’t know if it’s the new medicines, or the increase in subcutaneous fluids that we’ve been administering, or the rotisserie chicken and chicken nuggets, or the Tripsy supplement natural herbal remedy my mom’s been giving her, or the fact that she’s surrounded by her family, or simply the power of prayer, but Lacey has made marked improvements over the course of the week. Two days ago, she tried to walk upstairs. Yesterday, she walked outside to greet me, wagged her tail, and gave me a lick on the face. Last night, she begged for chicken nuggets at the dinner table. Today, she ate a plate-and-a-half of chicken nuggets and rotisserie chicken and a few bites of scrambled eggs. And just a few days ago, she wasn’t even eating!

My emotions are on a rollercoaster ride because, just a few days ago, I didn’t think Lacey would make it through the day. The veterinarian told us not to get our hopes up . . . he predicted that she has less than a month left. I’m trying to simply appreciate each day, every snuggle, every tail wag, every lick, and I’m trying not to let myself worry about the days and weeks ahead. It’s challenging, though. The optimist in me wants to believe that she could go on living for a few more years. But the fact is that most of the veterinarians we have consulted were surprised Lacey is still with us. Every precious moment with her is a beautiful gift from God.

A few days ago, I took Lacey and my nephew Zane for a walk in Zane’s stroller around my mom’s neighborhood. Lacey seemed so peaceful as she enjoyed the sights and sounds around her. While we walked, I prayed.

Now I’ve been trying to figure out what I believe and trying to strengthen my faith. I asked God to please help me to find faith in Him. I asked him to please watch over my Lacey and keep her peaceful and free of pain. I asked Him to please welcome her into Heaven and keep her happy and safe when her time here has ended. Finally, I asked Him to please help me believe, to give me a sign that she will be going to Heaven someday. I know this is a lot to ask. I know that there is a lot of pain and suffering in the world and that I am but one person with such requests. But I asked anyway because I had to . . . I had to for my Lacey girl.

The very next day, I was dismissed early from nursery school (we’re preparing for classes to start this week); the teacher I work with knew I had a lot going on and thought I could use the time. On my way home, I was deciding between two routes. Well, it just so happens that because of the timing AND because of the route I chose, I ended up right behind a car with animal-related decals all over it. One of the decals had a website on it: www.angelk9.com. I figured the web site was for some animal rescue group, but I said to myself, “I think I’m supposed to check out that web site.”

Later that day, I visited the site. The front page says: “You will grieve as deeply as you loved. Gifts & Guidance through pet loss, a journey down the path with angels.” My jaw dropped and I got chills. I don’t believe that the path to finding this site was a coincidence. I believe God heard me and it was a sign.

The website was created by a pet loss counselor. It’s like God pointed me to her and to this website, to help me know that I’m not alone and that Lacey will be ok. That’s what I believe, anyway.

As painful as it is to know my time with Lacey is limited, I am so grateful for each moment with her and for the love she continues to radiate each day. My brother and his family are home visiting to help us during this time. They are dedicating their time to help us care for Lacey. My mom has been working hard to administer all of Lacey’s medications and fluids because she’s so good at it and has such a gentle touch. I’ve been dedicated my time and energy to finding Lacey the best care possible. And Carter has generously offered to finance all of this. Lacey has brought us all together, like she always does, like she has since she was a puppy. She brings so much joy and meaning into our lives.

No matter what the upcoming days, weeks and months may bring, I know this for sure: Dogs teach us so much about love, family, friendship, persistence, joy and faith. Each day with Lacey and each lesson she teaches us is a miracle.

Today I found peace. After going to 3 different veterinarians, I still had the gut feeling we hadn’t done everything possible for our Lacey girl. Today, my brother and I took her to one more vet. I found this vet after doing a ton of research, and I have the utmost faith and confidence in him. I take my dog Kai to him already, and I don’t know why I didn’t take Lacey to him in the first place.

He confirmed that Lacey does have kidney failure and that her time with us is limited, but he also assured us that she is not in pain; rather, she feels like a person would if that person had a mild flu. He took her off some of the medications that are not in her best interest, and he prescribed others that will help her to feel better. He explained to us that at this point in her life, it is best to feed her anything she will eat: calories are key. In fact, he encouraged us to buy her a rotisserie chicken and let her dig in . . . and she did! She ate a whole plateful! And most importantly, he told us to enjoy these days with her. As long as she still enjoys being with us (and isn’t curling up alone somewhere), and as long as she is eating a little every day, she is comfortable and happy.

When it is her time to go, he will be the one to lead her to the rainbow bridge, and that gives me incredible peace in my heart.

Yesterday, Lacey and I snuggled on my mom’s couch for 2 hours. While Lacey slept on my chest, my mom’s other dogs surrounded me . . . one curled up in my arm, one snuggled at my feet, one rested at my head, and one slept on the floor next to the couch. I called out to my brother, “THIS is pure happiness!” And you know what Lacey did when I said that? She awoke from her nap, looked up at me, and wagged her tail. It’s like she was saying, “That’s all I want, Tammy. I want you to be happy and enjoy me while I am here.”

After our nap, I walked her and Zane (my nephew) in a baby carriage around my mom’s neighborhood. What a sight that must’ve been! Lacey enjoyed the late summer breeze and seemed to have a doggy smile on her face.

I have been praying my heart out, and I have felt your thoughts and prayers . . . and between yesterday and today, I finally found peace. Thank you for your love. And thank God for His.

I love you so much, my sweet Lacey.

We celebrated Carter’s 28th birthday. I gave him XM radio for his iPhone. He was completely surprised and thrilled. Aren’t those the best kinds of gifts?

Topped off the celebration with a Hawaiian-themed birthday cake . . . and artwork . . . a prelude to our vacation!

And after the wonderful birthday celebration, we received the news that my brother and his family were moving. We knew they’d eventually be relocating, but we didn’t know it would happen so soon. They moved to Wrightsville Beach on Monday!

I’m happy for them, but I will miss them so much. I’m going to miss playtimes with Ham and Egg.

Ham . . .

Egg . . .

Ham and Egg . . .

I know they are going to love Wrightsville Beach and grow up to be little surfer dudes.

It’s been an exciting week, and it’s only just begun. We’re going to Kauai in the morning! Actually, we’re leaving in two-and-a-half hours, which means I should be in bed, not writing a blog post.

[The Big Island, June 2008]

See you in September with tales of Hawaiian Aloha and adventures!

I don’t know why I deserve to be loved by the most loving, selfless, intelligent, handsome man I’ve ever known. I don’t know why he pursued me through middle school, high school and college, despite my best attempts to push him away. The more I messed up, the more he loved me, like he knew there was something in me worth fighting for, something in me that had yet to bloom.

When I wouldn’t be his girlfriend, he settled for friendship. When I was at the lowest points in my life, he continued to see the light that shined from within me and waited for the clouds to pass.

On our wedding video, everyone who was interviewed said, “He knows her better than she knows herself.” And that pretty much sums it up. No matter how far away from myself I’ve wandered, he’s remembered the kind me, the intensely passionate me, the loving and giving me, the intelligent me, the me who respects herself.

So on his birthday, it hardly seems fair that I’m the one who, yet again, gets to receive a gift: his love.

I’ve never really had to remind Carter of who he is — he is gentle, friendly and selfless, intelligent and interesting, funny and easy-going — everyone who meets him and everyone who knows him loves to be in his company. When someone is upset, stressed, or conflicted, just being around Carter can restore the feeling that everything’s going to be ok. I’ve enjoyed his comforting reassurance more times than I can possibly recall.

It is because Carter never stopped loving me . . . not even for a second . . . that I am here today. He taught me the most important lesson of all — that I am worth loving even in my most unforgivable, most hopeless moments. His steadfast love made recovering from an eating disorder a possibility. Everyone should be blessed with a Carter.

This blog is all about journeys and adventure and love. It is about loving yourself and loving others. So my message to my readers today is this: Keep your eyes open to the possibility of love all around you. The very person you’re pushing away could be a blessing in your life if you just let him or her in . . . and that person doesn’t have to be a significant other . . . that person could be a friend, a relative, a teacher. Sometimes the people who push us, who challenge us, who make us want to turn and run, are the very people who help us to live if we let them in.

Thank you, Carter, for your persistence, your love, and the joy you bring to my life. I hope your 28th year is your best one yet.

And also in honor of Carter, here’s an awesome recipe . . .

Carter’s first birthday gift was the sweet scent of baking muffins. One of his favorite flavors is key lime, so I searched for a key lime breakfast recipe and found this treat: Key Lime Muffins

I followed the recipe as written, except I used whole wheat pastry flour in place of the all-purpose flour, and I used canola oil instead of generic vegetable oil. WOW. Put the ingredients on your shopping list and get baking. Trust me . . .

Key Lime Birthday Muffins

Ingredients:

2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
1 cup sugar
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup skim milk
2 large eggs, beaten lightly
1/4 cup canola oil
1 tsp grated lime rind
1/3 cup key lime juice (I used Nellie & Joe’s Key West Lime Juice, which I found in the sparkling water/mixers section at Wegman’s)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
2. Combine the first four ingredients in a large mixing bowl and stir well. Make a well in the center of this mixture.
3. In a separate mixing bowl, combine the beaten eggs, milk, oil, lime rind and key lime juice and stir well (I used a whisk).
4. Pour the liquid ingredients into the well of the dry ingredients, and stir together until just moistened.
5. Spoon the batter into muffin cups lined with cupcake papers (or you can lightly grease the cups with butter instead). Fill the muffin cups 3/4 full.
6. Bake in the preheated oven for about 18 minutes, or until the muffins are beginning to turn a light brown on top.

Enjoy!

Look what I did with mine . . .

Strawberry Key Lime Muffin Yogurt Bowl

Combine Chobani plain yogurt with 1 Splenda. Top with a crumbled muffin and warm strawberry sauce. To make the strawberry sauce, combine a handful of chopped strawberries, 1 tsp light Promise spread, and 1 packet Splenda in a saucepan and cook over low heat until syrupy. You are in for a treat.